Dead. Last. After scrolling through the list of recorded barbell back squat weights in my “Wodify” app this morning, I found my name at the bottom. Got lots of high fives, but landed dead last nonetheless. Oof. Talk about confronting my weakness.

It’s just a number. But the emotional load is heavy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah..my form was pristine. I did all the reps. No one cared how naked my barbell looked. But the competitor in me cringed. 108 pounds? That all you got? My butt and legs answered for me. That’s it, girlfriend. Better luck next time!

Here’s the thing, though. Part of me loves that I’m dead last at this barbell business. At 55, I’ve had enough victories and prizes in my lifelong fitness journey to know that learning to show up and suck is a valuable step toward improving. And that’s what I chose to do when joining this local gym (Undisputed Fitness) in Santa Fe with a passionate owner, awesome team of coaches, and committed regulars who are invested in helping me embrace the suck and work toward shining. In this morning’s class, a regular named Sara shared tips (“get a white board and record your weight as you go”) and encouragement (“I’ve gotten so much stronger doing this, you’ll get hooked!”) as we heaved and hoed side by side under the barbell rack.

Today’s class was maybe my third Crossfit since joining last October. At the time, I had no intention of joining a gym, as I’d been teaching and practicing power yoga for years, running miles upon miles, and resigned to believing my tall, naturally slender frame was incapable of gaining muscle. Until my husband got cranky. “I need a gym. Find me a gym around here!” he begged. No stranger to CrossFit (he trained 5Xweek at one point when we met over a decade ago), he loves to lift. But as a traveling executive in a new town we didn’t know much about, his workouts dwindled down to walking our newly-acquired rescue pup.

So I googled. “This one looks good..all 5 stars and lotsa kudos toward the owner and community!” Cool. We joined the Intro 5-class plan that gave us a few 45-minute ‘UFit’ classes designed to work your whole body while torching your lungs. I was all over it. Non-stop Kettlebell swings? Laps around the building? Burpees? I’m in! But at some point, my coaches lovingly nudged toward the Strength & Conditioning classes, where I’d learn the value of barbells, pull-up bars, and other gnarly exercises that frankly scare the shit out of me.

So first week of January, I did it. Attended a class that taught me to snatch. Push press. Hang. Clean. Even if it was 15 LB “trainer” bar. I completed it, swallowed my pride, and rejoiced in being at the bottom of the leaderboard. I’ll inch my way up soon enough, but time and consistency is key. Here’s to getting strong in 2025.